My Take on Catfish's Call for Second Life Participants

The Reveal

The Second Life community collectively cringes when media covers the collision between virtual world relationships and physical world reality. So I was surprised that Linden Lab advertised a request by MTV's Catfish, a series that, "brings together couples that have online relationships to meet offline for the first time, often with surprising results as the differences between online personas and offline lives are revealed." It seemed to me that encouraging media attention on that particular aspect of Second Life was a really bad idea.

Since I was home sick yesterday and needing some mindless distraction, I decided to wade through the first season. I expected it to be an exploitive Jerry Springerish freak show. What I found was a thoughtful series with a well-intentioned host who helps mediate positive resolution for both parties. The show takes situations that conform outwardly to the sensationalized stories we hate and respectfully reveals the underlying humanity.

The common thread in every episode is that someone feels they have to project a false image of themselves to initiate a relationship. As authentic human connection deepens over months or years, they become trapped by the initial lie, fearing that disclosure might end what has evolved into an important friendship. They agree to reveal their identity as a latch ditch attempt to salvage the relationship, or at least get closure. Although there was only one fairy tale ending, most participants used the show to move forward with their lives. None of them planned to try another online relationship.

Is Dating in Second Life like Dating in the Dark? And What Would You Do?

Dating in the Dark is a reality show on ABC that provides an interesting parallel to dating in virtual worlds. Here's the show's premise:

Each week three single guys and three unattached ladies move into a house uniquely looking for love. Everyone is sequestered from the opposite sex until they are introduced in a ridiculously dark room ... Looks are taken out of the equation as guys and girls get to know each other in total darkness. After a few sight-unseen dates, the participants pick someone they'd like to meet with the lights on. That's when they finally get to see just who it is they've been wooing and kissing.

The shows producers have taken a very conservative approach to casting. Participants so far have mostly been average looking or better and within a decade of each other in age. No morbidly obese. No senior citizens. No disabilities. Nevertheless, on just about every episode one of the contestent who was very attracted to someone in the dark eventually rejected (or at least reconsidered) their love-is-blind soul mate because of disappointment about their revealed form.

In Second Life, the variance between the appearance of an avatar and the corresponding human can be exponentially greater:

• On the show, contests can hear the other person's voice, get a sense for their physique through the sense of touch, cuddle and kiss. 
• In Second Life, many relationships are carried out strictly through shared virtual experience and text-based communication. 
• On the show, the fantasized image of a person is based on the imagination working off cues from the other senses. 
• In Second Life, the fantasized image of a person is based on an avatar form which is usually an idealized figure with little or no connection to the corresponding human's body.
• On the show, you are certain of the other person's gender.
• In Second Life...

For virtual daters in Second Life who are NOT looking for a physical world relationship, none of this may matter. But it's interesting to consider. What if you fell in deep romantic love with a virtual sweetheart and later stumbled upon a RL picture that was unappealing? Start with a "not my type" in your mind's eye and work down to your worst nightmare. Would the physical reality undermine your attraction? Really???

BBBC #3: Relationships

Today's Big Bad Blogger Challenge topic is "Relationships"

SL Bloggers - How hard do you think it is to find a relationship in SL? If you have an SL relationship, have you met in the physical world? Would you meet them? Do you think it would change your SL relationship if you met?

RL Bloggers - Would you start a relationship with someone you met online? Would you have a problem telling people that's where you met? Do you think it's easier to meet someone online rather than at work or at a club?

Visual Thesaurus view of "relationship"

There are many types of relationship. I think today's topic implies the romantic version. To answer today's question,  I think that good relationships in any world are hard to find and take conscious effort to maintain.  Although I've never had a virtual relationship, I've closely observed the ongoing SLoap Opera from my very first week and have written about it pretty extensively. Here's an excerpt from an August 2009 Post,  Love Lies and Avatars:

Unfortunately, humans are stuck with a biology that doesn't differentiate between virtual and actual experiences. As I've noted before, once those love chemicals start getting cranked out in your body, it's likely you'll believe the sweet lies they tell you. You'll associate the blissful feeling of the love drugs with the experience of the other person's avatar. Even though you "know better."

Of course, it's possible you'll be lucky enough to fall in love with one of the real life supermodels who are so common in virtual worlds. Or maybe, your passion will survive the cognitive dissonance between the idealized avatar and the all-too-human form of your soul mate. There are certainly a number of virtual relationships that successfully extended to the physical world. But the odds are very, very long.

I'll leave you today with one of my videos on the topic: Primates in Virtual Worlds

Botgirl's Relationship Question of the Day (Part 2 of Series)

How are romantic relationships in the physical world affected when one or both members of a couple begin to spend many hours a week as an avatar in a virtual world like Second Life? (From Part 1)

As tempting as it is to make sweeping generalizations about the impact of virtual worlds on relationships, I think the truth is that there are no inherent consequences to the simple act of spending time in avatar form. That said, quite a few people describe problems with their significant others that are sparked by some aspect of their virtual life.

It seems to me that most of the trouble stems from taking the idea that virtual worlds operate outside the laws of the physical universe, and extending the concept to the rules of relationships. So here's the Botgirl relationship question of the day:

What (if anything) do you think is okay to do in a virtual world that would not be acceptable in the physical world?

How Do Virtual Worlds Impact Physical World Couples? - Part 1

How are romantic relationships in the physical world affected when one or both members of a couple begin to spend many hours a week as an avatar in a virtual world like Second Life?

I woke up this morning with that question in mind and decided to cast it upon the digital waters. My purpose isn't to preach any neat pre-conceived conclusions, but to encourage thoughtful discussion on a topic that usually gets public attention only when sparked by sensationalist scandal. In this post I want to focus on pre-existing committed physical world relationships.

"Hey honey, what are you doing," he asked, looking over his wife's shoulder. She seemed to be playing some sort of game on her computer. 

"I'm trying out that Second Life thing that Connie at work told me about." she replied with a bit of embarrassment about being caught playing with her avatar's body shape.

"Oh that sounds cool," he said. "Maybe I should give it a try."

Our story could move forward over many different paths, some ending in a more fulfilling relationship for our couple, others ending in drama, separation and Tabloid headlines.

Unfortunately, at this very early stage of virtual world history, there are few (if any) established "best practices" to either safeguard or enhance committed physical world relationships while one or both members are exploring avatar identity.

I'm going to explore the question over the course of the week and hopefully (with the help of reader comments) come up with good guidance for people in committed physical world relationships who would like to explore virtual worlds and avatar identity.

When Avatars Leave: Supporting our Friends Through The Grieving Process

Most of the people we meet in Second Life are known only through pseudonymous identities. Over time, relationships from casual acquaintance to romantic love develop without the knowledge of human names, ages, genders, professions or places of residence.

The pseudonymity of Second Life allows some people to share very intimate thoughts, feeling and desires that are typically hidden from Physical World friends and loved ones. Although the initial feeling of safety allows such shielded aspects of the Self to be exposed, it also creates a significant level of emotional vulnerability. When a close pseudonymous relationship is terminated, the abandoned partner is likely to go through a period of significant grief that spills into his or her human life.

In addition to separations that are not very different than human "break-ups," sometimes an avatar disappears completely from the virtual world without a trace. These situations can be very hard on the ones left behind because of the difficulty in finding a sense of closure. The vacuum of information can be filled by echos of unhealed trauma that can go all the way back to earliest childhood. Intense waves of emotion such as fear, despair, anger and desperation can wash over the ones left behind.

Since many people keep their Second Life secret from human friends and family, there is often nowhere to turn for support in the Physical World. Unfortunately, the informal support of virtual friends, no matter how well meaning, is usually not up to the task of substantively helping someone move through their grief process.

It occurred to me that it might be useful to create some sort of virtual ritual to help those left behind find some closure when avatars leave. Something like a wake or Shiva. Friends could share memories of the departed and share time together reflecting on the nature of virtual relationships. Perhaps there could be some sort of symbolic burial, cremation or de-rezzing.

Has anyone heard of this type of ritual being performed in Second Life? Any ideas on other elements that might be useful?

The experience of AIR and not-AIR

This is a continuation of a topic thread covered in the last two posts relating to what I now refer to as "AIR-based relationships." AIR = Anonymous identity + Immersive environment + Romantic attraction.

Description of each factor:


ANONYMOUS: The human identity of the other being is unknown. Full anonymity encompasses age, gender, race, location, employment, etc.


IMMERSED: You experience your "self" as a virtual identity within the "magic circle" of the virtual environment. Full immersion encompasses factors such as age, gender, race, location, employment, etc. Immersion does not depend on any particular external factor such as a 3D virtual world. It is the psychological experience of feeling as if you are primarily within a virtual environment, identity or encounter. Some people experience their virtual selves as completely separate beings from their human identity.


ROMANTICALLY ATTRACTED: You have a crush on the other being. This can include feelings of longing, sexual arousal, obsessive thoughts, etc. that extend beyond time spent in the virtual setting.

The experience of each combination of factors:

After trying a few different approaches to better understand and articulate the effects of AIR, I came up with a simple narrative description of the experience of each combination of AIR and not-AIR elements. It is told from the point of view of human Sandy Smith and her avatar Hotgirl Questi, as she chats and dances with avatar Hippychick Bluestone and her typist John Jones.

I rearranged the order of the factors to make the narration flow more smoothly (I-A-R here.) Keep in mind that these descriptions are from one person's point of view, in this case Sandy/Hotgirl. John/Hippychick, the other character in this mini-drama, may have a different combination of AIR/not-AIR.


I, Sandy Smith, a 21 year old woman in San Francisco, am logged onto SL as the avatar Hotgirl Questi. I am chatting with John Jones, a middle-aged man in Cleveland, who is logged on as the avatar Hippychick Bluestone. I'm watching our avatars dance in a nightclub simulation. It's fun.


I, Sandy Smith, a 21 year old woman in San Francisco, am logged onto SL as the avatar Hotgirl Questi. I am chatting with someone who is logged on as the avatar Hippychick Bluestone. I'm watching our avatars dance in a nightclub simulation. It's fun.


I'm chatting with Hippychic. Her keyboardist is John Jones, a middle-aged accountant in Cleveland. We're dancing together in a nightclub. It's fun.


I, Sandy Smith, a 21 year old woman in San Francisco, am logged onto SL as the avatar Hotgirl Questi. I am chatting with John Jones, a middle-aged man in Cleveland, who is logged on as the avatar Hippychick Bluestone. I'm watching our avatars dance in a nightclub simulation. I have a big crush on John.


I'm chatting with Hippychick Bluestone. We're dancing together in a nightclub. It's fun.


I, Sandy Smith, a 21 year old woman in San Francisco, am logged onto SL as the avatar Hotgirl Questi. I am chatting with someone who is logged on as the avatar Hippychick Bluestone. I'm watching our avatars dance in a nightclub simulation. I have a big crush on the person who is logged on as Hippychick.


I'm chatting with Hippychick Bluestone. Her typist is John Jones, a middle-aged man in Cleveland. Hippychick and I are dancing together in a nightclub. I have a big crush on her


I'm chatting with Hippychick Bluestone. We're dancing together in a nightclub. I have a big crush on her.

Back in the love box with AIR-based relationships

Based on feedback from digado and Rheta, it seems I didn’t do a very good job of tying together the various threads within yesterday’s post. One reason is that it was written as a stream of consciousness rather than a reasoned argument leading to a previously formed conclusion. I made a few big leaps between ideas without taking the time to walk through the chain of connections. Maybe my textual communications skills have become corrupted by too much comic creation. Anyway, I'll have another go at clarifying yesterday’s missive by answering some of digado's thoughtful questions:

How did immersion get dragged into these relationships?

I'm not dragging it in by iteslf. I came up with the snappy acronym and catch phrase “AIR-based relationships” to define the area of my inquiry. AIR = Anonymous identity + Immersive environment + Romantic attraction. It seem to me that the combination of these three factors creates an especially unstable and volatile mix.

When not 'immersed' you wouldn't have the relationship either, is that what you are saying, or does immersion create these relationships...?

Well, it seems to me that if you weren't immersed, you'd be more conscious of the fact that the hot babe you were flirting with could quite possibly be someone who looks like your grandfather in real life. Humans exposed to attractive images of their preferred gender(s) can experience reflex physiological responses that flood the brain and body with hormones that act like a love drug. I've written about this process in the past. If everyone walked around in a Naruto avatar, I reckon there would be far fewer romances.

People created 'virtual' relationships long before 'worlds' such as SL over the internet, with or without immersion

Well, I would say that if you are focused on a text chat enough to get romantically attached to someone, the text chat environment is immersive for you, and your online affair would be an AIR-based relationship. At least until you traded real IDs and/or met in person.

I'm still trying to get my head around that last paragraph tho, I'm sure it makes sense in some way - I just don't see it...

Well, at least forelle saw it. :) What I tried to convey in the last paragraph was that the person you are in a relationship with is a complex living being with vast potential for growth and change. So if your love requires that they don't externally express significant inner changes, then it is a love of an objectification of your lover's past state, not of who they are now. From my limited experience, it seems there is generally less slack for change in AIR-based relationships.

Well, I'm out of juice for now. If any of my ideas still seem cryptic, please let me know and I'll give it another go.

Love me in a box

Four main types of gameplay Immersion can be found in games: Spatial Immersion, Emotional Immersion, Cognitive Immersion and Sensory-Motoric Immersion. from Patterns in Game Design by Staffan Björk and Jussi Holopainen

Game designers work to create immersive experiences so that a player's consciousness is drawn deeply into game play. Immersion supports the consciously chosen suspension of disbelief by directly engaging subconscious systems that generate emotional and physical responses. For most people, it is easy to separate the authentic experience of emotions within games from the fabricated environment and narrative that stimulate the experience.

The line between fantasy and reality is not so clear-cut within virtual worlds. The highly immersive nature of the experience makes it almost impossible for us to separate the real beings we interact with from the fictional elements they are enmeshed within. In the fuzzy world of anonymous relationships, authenticity becomes equated to some extent with character consistency. This seems to be especially true in romantic relationships.

In the atomic world, relationships often have difficulty when one person makes a significant change such as newly found religious observance or even an avid hobby that their partner doesn't take up. Physical change such as significant weight gain or loss can also put stress on a relationship.

It is not surprising that in virtual worlds, relationships are very vulnerable to changes from established norms. In the atomic world, your partner may now worship Allah instead of Jesus, but you know they have the same parents, siblings, job, gender, etc. In an anonymous virtual world relationship there is nothing solid to hold onto.

It seems to me that if you are not willing to let your partner change to pursue a non-destructive interest that doesn't break a core agreement such as fidelity, the relationship is grounded more in objectification than love. This applies to all worlds.

Polyamory for Two

The impact of immersive worlds on human emotional processes. Part 1 of a series

I started this post on Saturday morning with just a title: "Suddenly Psycho: Why your virtual friends go Mr. Hyde on your ass." After many false starts, I realized a snarky approach was not a worthy response to the intense pain and suffering people experience when emotions spin out of control.

As Dale Innis reminded me that night, the seeds of the dysfunctional processes that spring to life in the virtual world are rooted within the physical world. So that's where I begin.

The human psyche has been tuned by eons of evolution to transform relatively limited experience into an overaching internal model of reality. Given the minuscule amount of information you have to work with, it's no wonder there's often a gap between what you believe to be true and the way things actually are.

Unfortunately, insufficient data isn't the only roadblock to clear understanding. For better or for worse, the journey from womb to walking is the most critical period of human development. When everything goes well, toddlers transition into childhood with access to the full potential of their unique genetic expression. When significant developmental needs go unmet, the resulting deficits and dysfunction can last a lifetime.

Stay tuned for Part 2: A True Story

Your cheating alt: Botgirl's Guide to Living With Lies

A discussion popped up on Twitter last week about the deceptive use of alts in the soap opera known as Second Life. Many readers here have heard (or experienced) horrific stories of betrayal, lust, revenge and greed. I must admit that a few have sent shivers up even my pixelated spine. I'll spare you the gory details now (sorry) and share a bit of Botgirl's Guide to Living with Lies.

Botgirl's Guide to Living With Lies

Humans lie. Online humans in anonymous settings lie even more, especially those who spend a lot of time here. Nevertheless, I think the fear of duplicity is a much more pervasive source of harm than any actual screwing-over taking place. The specter of deception hangs over virtual interactions and relationships like a hungry ghost. Okay, I hear you, my imaginary human friend:

"Don't be naive Botgirl. My boyfriend cheated behind my back using four alts of two genders and three species."

I'm not saying that there aren't plenty of devious, duplicitous, manipulative, calculated lying-through-the-virtual-teeth goings on in Second Life. I'm just suggesting that while some of us are harmed by malicious deception, all of us are negatively impacted by the way the fear of deception plays out in our interactions and relationships.

There has been a lot of good thinking related to the ethics and management of disclosure in anonymous environments, including an insightful post by Dusan Writer, an academic paper by Hyung-Yi Lu and a great body of work by Nick Yee. So instead of trying to add my two cents to the why and how, I'm going to throw out a few little ideas about how humans in avatar form might open their hearts without exposing their jugulars:

• Enjoy the present without expectations. This one is hard, but well-worth the effort. As I've written previously, there is no telling who is directing the avatar in front (or on top) of you. And you know what? If you are enjoying the company it doesn't have to matter. A lot of the hurt I've heard expressed related to relationships in Second Life seems to be more from shattered expectations (believing one's own lies) than overt deception by someone else. Which leads me to...
  

• Assume nothing and ask questions. If you DO care about something beyond what someone discloses, then ask and do not move forward in the relationship until you're satisfied with the answer. Now they are not obliged to tell you. And they can lie. But at least if you are wounded, it won't be self-inflicted. That's some consolation, right?
  

• Know what you don't know. Personal interactions in virtual worlds can certainly be authentic when avatars don't know each others' human identities. But our conceptions of even our closest loved ones are mostly fabrications of our own thoughts. As Bryon Katie said, "In the history of the world no two people have ever met." I think that goes double or triple for those we "meet" in the virtual world. Of course, there is a connection between your perception of someone and the qualities they possess. The mistake is to reify them into some solid entity with stable and knowable characteristics.

• Focus more on what you have to give, than on what you want to get. I'm not talking co-dependency here, but genuine no-strings-attached loving kindness; what Buddhists call metta. W.C. Fields said "You can't cheat an honest man" because there's usually an element of greed involved in a swindle. I think it's just as fair to say that you can't betray someone who is genuinely in relationship from a metta point of view.
  

My final suggestion dear humans is to lighten the hell up! Out of the seven or so billion people on Earth, you are among the luckiest. If you're reading this, you probably have the resources to spend dozens of hours a week in a virtual world where you can do pretty much whatever you want, whenever you want. You're not worrying where your next meal is coming from or how to keep your child from dying of malnutrition. So if your new online loves stabs you in the back, try to keep things in perspective.

With tough love,

Botgirl